Losing a child HURTS. You never think of burying your own child....and when it happens, and it happens everyday, your whole life shatters and you have many unanswered questions. When I lost my little girl, I was angry, confused, depressed and zombie like all at the same time. I could go through all types several emotional states in a period of 5 minutes. My emotions were unpredictable and it scared me.
A couple weeks after I buried my daughter, I was wondering when the pain would go away. I would talk to a lot of people who went through the same thing and they would tell me that it gets better but the pain never goes away. I was angry at myself for not healing fast enough. I wanted time to go by fast so I can go on and heal already and have a normal life. I'm not a very patient person to begin with. I'm also my worst critic and I expected to get better ASAP. Little did I know that I had no control over such matter. Family and friends would come over to offer comfort and I would try to be strong and smile here and there but as soon as they left, I would sit in my little corner and cry helplessly. No one or nothing could take away this pain. I needed plan B. This heart of mine had been shattered into pieces and I could not mend it on my own. The only way it could be mended was to seek out who made it in the first place. I was born with it and don't know how it got there but I knew someone created it and whoever created it would be able to mend it. And so, just like my son cries out to me when he needs something or when he needs comfort, I cried to the maker, I cried out to GOD!
I started praying and asked God to please take my pain away. I have always prayed every night before going to sleep and it was so routine that every time my head hit my pillow, I automatically started praying without realizing it. For some reason, this prayer that I prayed, begging to be healed and crying out loud to God felt very different. I was very vulnerable. I remember sitting on my bed, clutching a picture of my daughter very tightly on my chest crying to God uncontrollably. My body began to shake and I started getting scared....like I was having an out of body experience. I had to force myself to gain some control over myself so I can perform a mental check on myself. I started asking myself silly questions such as my name, my address, my husband's name, my son's name....just to make sure I'm sane. That's how insane I was! After this out of body, madness, insanish episode, I felt so relieved. I felt like a HUGE load had been taken off my shoulder. I looked myself in the mirror and told myself I will be alright. I was ready for good and bad days but I knew I would be just fine because now I knew...God was listening. This relief that I felt was too beautiful, too calm, too tender and loving, like someone was holding me in their arms saying ' don't worry about a thing' and I was safe. I longed to feel more and more like this because I had never felt this good in my whole life. At this point, I felt way happier than I was even before the death of my daughter!
Did my daughter leave us so I can get the chance to taste this comfort? This level of happiness? The kind of happiness that takes virtually all the worry from your life and feel like God got your back? Yes, my daughter was gone, but I was happy. Happier than ever before. I would see tears of joy in my eyes day after day, night after night. I was broken into a new whole. I know the journey is not over but I know God got my back....through the loss of my beloved baby girl, I was and still am ridiculously happy!
Until next time.....
Thought of the Day:
How do you feel when you buy your child a gift and he ignores it and is not thankful for the gift? Maybe s/he starts complaining about the gift. Don't you feel discouraged? Maybe you don't feel like getting them a gift again. Think about the opposite, you give your child a gift and s/he thanks you profusely and rejoices! You feel good and you are more inclined to give him more, because he appreciates the gift.
No matter what I have gone through in life, I thank God for everything I have because HE is the one who has provided. I lost my daughter but I have so much blessings its amazing. I thank HIM for all these gifts HE has blessed me with and I know HE is not done taking care of me. HE got my back. So Thank You God For Everything!
